I have been asked recently by about a dozen people whether I have read Fifty Shades of Grey. It's not an unreasonable question. Even people who casually read this blog know that I am a reader of books and that I am all about the sexy time. Some people who know me even better than that know that I also write about the sexy time (elsewhere, not here) and that said sexy time is not entirely unlike the type of sexy time that is contained in this book. Also because everyone else is reading it.
Up til now I hadn't read it, for two reasons:
- A book becoming super crazy popular overnight such that OH MY GOD EVERYONE IS DOING IT makes me immediately not want to read that book (see: The DaVinci Code, The Hunger Games, any of the Twilight books)
- Based on my own experiences of people reading MY writing, it seemed unlikely that a book with such mass appeal was going to be an accurate representation of BDSM culture and I almost certainly wouldn't like it.
So, last night I started reading 50 Shades of Grey, with the expectation that I wouldn't like it and for the express purpose of saying mean things about it on this blog.
I was entirely blindsided by how earth shatteringly awful this book actually is. I had a notebook on me to take notes so I could remember what I didn't like about it. After ONE chapter I had two pages of notes, largely written in all caps and containing insightful criticisms such as "I hate everyone in this book" and "Go die". After TWO chapters I was actually yelling. Out loud. At a book. Halfway through the third chapter I realized I was taking notes about every single page and went downstairs to try and buy a copy I could write in, but the book store was sold out of it and I knew humanity was doomed.
So here's the deal. I am going to read and review this book for you guys. The temptation is to do chapter by chapter summaries, but that is what Mark from Mark Reads (a project that started with Mark Reads Twilight (So You Don't Have To) and is fucking amazing) pioneered and does an incredible job of on his website, so I'm going to do my very best not to write it like that because stealing isn't nice. There are going to be spoilers all over the place, so if you're one of the people out there who has just been DYING to read this but hasn't had the time, I would suggest not reading this. Or do read it to avoid completely wasting your time because oh my god. Whatever works for you. I may post photos of my notes, or instead cite a few of them if I start taking notes in the actual book because there are so damn many of them. It is also very likely that I may give up in the middle of this book, given that I haven't finished three whole chapters and I already want to throw it into a fire.
One last warning and this one is mostly for my family (since my co-workers already know this shit): it is extremely likely that I will compare and contrast scenes in this book to scenes related to my own experience. It is probably more than you EVER want to know about me (if you don't believe me, ask BrownsFan). So if you are at all related to me and/or are desperate to avoid any spoilers, you will want to skip any post in which the title starts with "50". Got it?
Great! Away we go!